but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
