I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize