the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
