when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
