so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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