at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
