yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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