he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
