what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
