i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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