I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
