Whats the glycemic index on semen?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
