Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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