Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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