Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
