there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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