ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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