There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
