The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
