just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
