So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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