sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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