yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
