Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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