Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
