I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
