They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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