My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
