Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
