ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
