Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
