'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
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