his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My penis needs a shock collar
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
