she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
