i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
