i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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