I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
