fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
