So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
