I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
