You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I AM VODKA MAN
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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