How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
