names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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