I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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