dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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