I'm lost and stupid without you.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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