I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
