i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Two words: blizzard sex
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize