Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize