i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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