She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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