first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
