Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
do herpes really smell.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
