New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
