Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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