You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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