Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
