my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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