vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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