I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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