My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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