my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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